False Evidence Appearing Real!

I read somewhere once that FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real". I have to agree with that, in retrospect, that is. But when you are lying on your bed, staring at the ceiling, heart pounding at the very thought of that awful thing you fear so much, the evidence you dig up from the recesses of your mind seem anything but false…. You know what I mean, right?

I have a 2 year old daughter. I should stop right here, and let you make the obvious connections with FEAR, and fear in general. But, I love to talk about my fears, and so I will.

When Debbie was born, she was barely 5.5lb, tiny and fragile, her wail almost a squeak. Now, although she is still tiny for her age (only 22lb when she should be 27lb, and I get my share of flack about it from busybodies of all descriptions. In my defense I would like to state, both my doctor and this website claim this is quite normal.), she is growing up to be a source of admiration, jaw-dropping disbelief, and pure joy for my husband and me, every moment!

She is a lovely, delightful little girl! She runs around making shrieking noises when I try to make her eat food. She throws a healthy tantrum (the habit isn’t, but the gusto of the display certainly is!) when she is refused ANYTHING, yes, even the flames on the stove burner (?!?!?!) She sings non-stop (ie. When she is not shrieking or throwing a tantrum). In fact she can sing the entire alphabet song, even the last bit (“Now I know my ABCs…etc.), a couple of rhymes, can count till 10 in a random order (!), and recite a couple of Bible verses… *I’m on a roll here, aren’t I… ;-]… and you say “Mmhmm…keep going…”* She cries VERY LOUDLY (seriously, that is how it sounds, my eardrums are not what they used to be…) Sigh…, loves books, and dotes on her big brown teddy bear. She is healthy and happy. She is surprisingly intelligent and insightful for a 2-year-old, and did I say she loves books…oh yeah, if she is very quiet and you don’t hear shattering glass, she is definitely poring over a book. There is no need to worry, no need to lie awake at night wondering about the future. If we do our best, everything will turn out just fine.

However, and you mommies will surely understand, I sometimes have these fears… Will she grow up into a healthy adult, or will she inherit any of my health conditions problems? How will she stand up to a bully in school? Will she be able to cope with the harder lessons in school? Will she maintain good (if not excellent) scores throughout her student career? Will I be able to guide her well through her adolescent years? Heck, will she let me?? Will she meet the right guy? Will she love him? Will he love her long enough (‘long enough’ read ‘forever’…) Will she achieve all her dreams? Will she love me when she grows up? *Aside: Will she love me more than her Dad…* Aaaarrrrgghhh! Come to think about it, these are all Worries. I worry about her a lot, and which mother doesn’t.

And these worries turn into fears, slowly but surely. Looking around at the world, I do not receive much consolation either. Relationships of any kind are not what they used to be. Even in a relatively conservative country like India, divorce rates are creeping up the ladder, families are becoming more dysfunctional everywhere, psychos are created at every street corner (False Evidence or not, it is creepy!), educational systems losing quality, and the list is endless. Of course, there is any number of good things in a society that can influence a child: a good family, good friends, the church (or any religious institution), good teachers, true ‘soul-mate’ kind of love, and lots more.

But it all depends on the choices that my child makes. Will she let the bad influence her, or will she take in only good influences. As parents, we can guide her, but (I hate this part) we can’t make the choices for her. Sometimes, these fears make us let go of the Trust Factor and lay down absurd rules that curb the normal growth of a child. There really is a thin line between caring and controlling. So, you lay down the ground rules, teach your child everything they need to know, set a good example, and expose them to a loving and caring environment…. And wait. You Wait… to see how your child turns out…How do we do that? How did our parents do it? And what will my little girl be like when she is an adult? What kind of a woman, wife, mother, and human being will she be?

Now, tell me, how can I not let False Evidence Appearing Real creep up on me every night?

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This is my entry for the Write-Away Contest for the month of October, over at Scribbit - A Blog About Motherhood in Alaska.

National Novel Writing Month- November 2009 Contest

I have enrolled myself into the National Novel Writing Month Contest. This is a great contest, where you only get to start writing your novel on November 1st and have to end by November 30th.  You do get all year to prepare, though!  Your novel should have 50,000 words.  Check out the web site for more information on this.

Believe it or Not! I have also started writing my own novel.  It is about a writer (duh!). That's all I'm saying right now, because that's all I know!

I am treading virgin waters here.  Never tried my hand at fiction before, but fiction it will be.  Surprisingly, I have already written 2 and a half pages.  The working title of my novel is "In Good Faith".  Well, there's someone in there called Faith, so I reckoned... Well, you know.  Ok, whatever.

The pure excitement of it all (and my inability to believe that I have actually let myself into writing fiction!) kept me up almost all of last night :0P  The web site suggested that I tell a whole lot of people that I have decided to write a novel that will be done by November of this year.  That way, I will be sure to finish my novel just to avoid embarrassment.

So, this is me putting myself in an embarrassing situation of major proportions...

Wish Me Luck.... on everything.  Write to me if you have enrolled yourself in, and be my writing buddy.

Thou Shalt Blog

It is truly despicable that a blogger should ignore her blog for a period of two months and finally come back with a cheeky post about how 'thou shalt blog'! But it's happening and I am the blogger in question.

And suddenly there was work. I think it's a good thing that I am suddenly in demand for a whole batch of technical writing tasks. My work is sought after, and I get paid for it. (am i making it sound like a great adventure, here?! It really isn't. It's just work that I am supposed to get done.)

But that left me with absolutely no quality time with my blog. I just stuck to plain technical writing. I do have a sense of achievement that I have finished one training manual, written an advertisement and a promotional letter to school principals, have written a post for the company blog and an article to be featured in a popular search engine news section. Still, I feel guilty that I forgot my AdLibitum, green layout and all. (The layout has been changed since then - my update on January, 2009). Sitemeter traffic is truly humbling. I plead guilty but acquit me in the name of all things creative and verbose.

Will try to do more justice from now on!

This was a really lame effort, but I'm saying this was atleast an effort, so ...

Next post, and all that...tomorrow.

Blogging ... Finally

Writing a blog takes courage...at least it does for me. I see what's available on the net, and I wonder. I wonder how people know what to write about; how they know that someone is going to want to read it; how they will not feel ashamed of what they have written.

Having said that, I think writers are the 'unpolled on' wonders of the world. Writers never cease to amaze me. Who is their muse? What inspires a writer to , well, write?! I must find out for myself. I sit down to write, and ...nothing happens. Then I wonder why I even want to do this. I could just go back to the report I had to write for my boss. That is just facts and it will be over and done with in the morning. Also, if the heavens are smiling on me, he may even approve of it.

Now, though, I have set out to write and, even in an empty room, I feel that accepting defeat would be an embarrassment. So, like little Hobbits trying to scale that mountain, one step at a time, I slog on.

To what?? I scratch my head, furtively write a sentence or two, afraid that I might despise myself as soon as the sentence is complete. Then I strike it off as a sentence that is not catchy enough. I write another and find I don't hate myself that much, after all, and I follow it up with another sentence. I continue in this way for a page or two and, the exhilaration is catching up. Now I feel like a skydiver, starting with a backward pull but increasing speed as I go. And then, suddenly, I find that you can't stop. My sentences spiral on, downward, twisting and turning out of control, they make contact with a few obstructions with a sickening thud and still drop heavily downward. The words get bigger and bigger and the sense fuzzier while the ideas are just whizzing past my head in a deafening scream....!!!.....

Then I stop, I hit rock bottom.... and absolute silence.

I don't know what I have written and why I have written it. Still, I survived the experience, and lived to tell the tale. Maybe, I will tell the tale! I finally have courage to write!