My Comeback Post - 3 years in the making!

I read my last post about doing nothing for an hour, and I remember thinking that getting an hour like that in my whole day was such a luxury. And now, I would give an arm and a leg for that kind of time, and I still wouldn't get any!! That post reminds me of how relaxed I used to be and what has changed since then that has forced me to practically fall of the grid.

This is my comeback post, because, seriously, come back sleep, come back good skin, please come back 25-year old body with ache-free back, come back normal food habits and clean vomit-free clothes, and please, oh please come back peace and quiet!!

On the other hand, I am glad that was the price to pay, for the joy I have right now.

Here's what happened: (I have held off writing this for 3 years, since it is still difficult to put words to paper and express my thoughts clearly. Everything's turned out well since then, and that gives me the confidence to talk about things...)

During April of 2013, I was smack in the middle of my second pregnancy. In December of the previous year, we found out I was carrying twins and we were elated. Ours was the first twins pregnancy in a long, long time in both our families and everyone was eagerly looking forward to it. It was a difficult pregnancy at best (which one isn't!) and it was also one of the hottest years I have ever experienced in my whole life. I think 100% of all Indian residents will concur with me on that.

So anyway, we had just been to the doctor on 14 April for my 6-month checkup and the doctor told me everything was normal, and that I should start walking more. I, on the other hand, needed a person to help me to so much as roll over in bed! 'Huge as a house'would have been a crass understatement!

On the morning of 16th April, I woke up in extreme pain, and I couldn't sit or stand or keep any food down. We called our respective mothers, and both advised that we had better go to the doctor just in case. I could barely climb down the 15 or so steps leading down from our house on the first floor, and the trip to the hospital (which was literally across the street) was agony. Once there, the on-call nurses took one look at me, put me in a wheelchair and took me up to the labor room.

They said that my labor pains had started, and for the first time in my life I felt abject fear. More than 2 years after the fact, and my heart is still pounding as I write this. I just prayed, "Lord please hold my children inside of me for a little longer until they are strong enough to come out. You gave them to me, and now You are going to make sure I get to actually hold them in my arms." The doctor gave me some injections to strengthen the heart and lungs of the twins, and also some drugs to delay the delivery. We held on for another 24 hours, but finally on 17th morning I started to show signs of labor again, and the nurses suddenly whisked me off to the labor room. I was in there for a few hours with not a single familiar face to comfort me. All I had was the faith that God was with me in that room, and He was still in control of the situation, no matter how hopeless it seemed. At that moment I decided that I would talk more about God to Debbie and my twins (in the faith that they will be born healthy) because I realized that sometimes you can end up in situations where even your most loved ones cannot be by your side, and you may feel totally alone  in this huge, mean world. And the ONLY PERSON who can be with you wherever you are and offer words of comfort is God.

At around 3:30 pm, I entered the final stages of labor, and Judith Grace Hamilton was born at exactly 4:04 pm. 3 minutes later, out came Jason Russell Hamilton. I didn't know who was born first at the time, and all I remember was the doctor telling me that it was a breach delivery and that the chord was tied badly around both of them. They emerged looking so tiny, and grey, and .... silent. I think that was the most chilling moment in my life. Right this moment, my heart is stuck somewhere between my chest and my throat and my hands are shaking so badly I can't even type this....

The Neonatal first-aid team was standing by and my doctor just handed the babies over to them. She later told me that even she didn't get a good look at the babies. All she cared about was handing them over to the neonatal team so that the babies could receive the care they so desperately required.

The post-labor time was more difficult for me as my fear for the life of my children had taken over, and I had dropped my guard against the pain I was experiencing. I just wanted to know if my kids were alive or not. Later Hamilton would tell me how he was undergoing his own pain, as he stood feeling helpless and very afraid outside the ICU of the Neo-natal hospital while doctors and nurses took his new-born children in without a word to him. He said that the only thing he could do was pray and intercede with God for the lives of his kids. 

This is them at around 40 days. Jason on the left, and Judy beside him

Judy weighed 800 grams when she was born, and Jason fared slightly better at 890 grams. The neonatal specialist, a lifesaver in the true sense of the word, told us that Judy seemed to suffer from some kind of infection and was struggling to come out of the womb, and hence the premature birth. He said he had never taken in babies as premature as ours, but he would do everything in his capacity to help the babies. The twins were kept in the Neo-Natal ICU, on a heart monitor, respirator machine and ten other gizmos for the next two months. My kids required help breathing since their heart and lungs had not fully formed. In fact, almost all their internal organs were underdeveloped. For the first two months, they couldn't even accept mother's milk in its original form. The nurses used to re-grind some nutritional supplement powder and add it in small quantities to the milk to thicken it slightly so that it would settle in their stomachs and not regurgitate into their lungs and give them an infection, or worse, affect their breathing. The milk used to be fed through very thin tubes inserted through their noses, going directly to their stomachs. They were given blood quite a few times, and were also given a cart-load of medicines throughout their stay in the hospital.

I was allowed to hold Judy around 40 days after her birth. They was as tiny as newly born kittens and could barely open their eyes. When they cried their faces would contort but no sound would come out, since their throats were sore from tubes being inserted into their throats so many times.

Jason is on the left, and Judy with the extreme balloon cheeks, next to him

Judy was the first to hit the target weight of 1kg and was able to breath room air without support. Hence she was sent to our hospital room first, so that the doctor and his team could monitor us to see if we could care for Judy efficiently. I had to learn how to feed her milk orally from a tiny container. I had to learn how to mix all her medicines into the milk as I fed her, according to a huge timetable that was given to us. And I had to learn to stay alert at all times, even in my sleep, and be aware of every breath my child took. Jason joined us after a week, but the week away from his sister had dampened his spirits a little bit I think, and a day after he had been with us, he had some breathing trouble and had to go back into the ICU.

We finally left for home after having been in the hospital for 72 days. We practically lived out of that hospital room. Debbie would even come back there from school and do her homework sitting with us.

The hospital had very strict rules about people visiting the babies inside the ICU. Only parents were allowed to see the babies or hold them. Grandparents were allowed only for 30 minutes at a certain time in the day, and even then they were not allowed to hold the babies. This was done to ensure that the already struggling babies did not have to deal with further infections from outside.

Debbie with Judy

I remember that Debbie was so upset that she couldn't meet her brother and sister whom she had been waiting to see for so long. She made such a fuss, that the doctor eased the rules for the first time and allowed her to catch a glimpse of the babies through a window of the ICU. And one night, when the doctor was away, the nurses sneaked Debbie in for a couple of minutes to peek at the twins! I could see the happiness and pride radiating from her smile when she first lay eyes on them...

Debbie holds Judy for the first time.

The doctor said that we had to maintain a highly clean and infection-free area around the children for a few more months, and so we actually moved to a bigger house, so we could have one room specially for the twins. No one except me, my mom and my sis were allowed inside that room, since we were the primary care-givers. I lived in that room for the next 1 year, and only stepped out for a few hours to attend my sister's wedding... Yes, my sister got married in the interim, and I could not even be fully involved in it. I still regret the missed opportunity. She also had a little girl last year, and little Sarah is turning one this month.

Okay, here's a nice picture of those cuties:

My sister Jone and her hubby Wilson

This little chilli is Sarah Abigail Wilson

Anyways, our little twins have improved in health in leaps and bounds since our time in the hospital. They are now 2-and-a-half and are terrors in their own respects. They are doted on by relatives, neighbors and strangers on the street alike, and frankly, I think they're a little spoilt!

Debbie has introduced Judy to the awesomeness of bubbles and the concept has caught on. Jason... hmm... well, not so impressed.

They can fray your nerves to the last tiny thread and then give you such an angelic smile that you are suddenly confused as to why your were cross with them moments ago!

They love, LOVE, their dad and tolerate their mom. I've made my peace with that, since I figure it only serves to prove the fact that I'm the one who disciplines and brings up the kids in earnest and their Dad simply puts in an appearance at the end of the day, as the FUN GUY!

Although, it is sweet to watch him with the kids, so... 

Judy is the wisecrack of the lot, and just as I suspected when she was barely a week old, she's a control freak who has her brother and sister on a short leash!

The face that launched a thousand fights, spills, and hours of cleaning up terrible messes!

Jason is much quieter and reserved and always has an amused smile on his face, as if we all look comical to him as we scurry around with our lives, and he alone is aware of the higher meaning of it all, .

He loves his wheels, whether on a car, a bike, a kiddy tricycle, or broken off a toy and spinning helplessly on the floor!

Their best friend is their ever-patient, loving tolerant elder sister, who has had the good fortune of living with nosy 2-year old siblings just when she is beginning to appreciate having her own room, her own stuff and some privacy. Poor thing is often found crying that her homework notebooks got scribbled on, her hair accessories got thrown in the garbage or her Barbies got painted with markers... I empathize...

Side note: Proudest moment - watching my kid check books out from the library

I wanted to share this story because during our hard times I had read about a couple of families who had premature kids, and how they struggled. I just want to put my story out there because I believe it can give hope to others who have premature kids. I want to assure them that preemies are fighters and will overcome all odds to live a healthy life. All we need to do is have faith and patience and hope. Oh, and also, a LOT of patience, because, guess what, preemies are more prone to be extremely mischievous and they lack an appreciation for discipline and authority much more than other kids. So, yeah, get yourself an extra dose of patience and teeth-gritting and swearing-under-the-breath!

The Twins' first birthday

Judy bored when the food took a long time to come out at a restaurant

I love this chap to bits!

I want to end this post by saying Thank You! Thank you to all my readers, friends, colleagues, relatives and everyone who helped us out through this ordeal when our children were in the hospital. Some of you helped us financially, some brought us meals regularly, some stuck around for a really long time on the day of the birth and the days following, to hold our hands, encourage us, and just sit with us. Many of our friends visited regularly in the hospital, and we felt like we really had a protective wall of people watching out for us. I have to talk about some of our colleagues who gave blood for the twins several times. Words cannot express how grateful we are to you guys! And to all those people out there who kept us in your prayers, I just want to say thank you so much. Miracles can happen when God answers our prayers, and my children are the very proof of that. 

Phew... Okay, I am all talked out right now, and so glad I did this. Now all I have to do is have my fingers crossed and hope that I can keep doing this blogging thing at a sensible rate and that my kids don't delete my first drafts from the desktop when I'm not looking...

That's all for now, folks!

My Trip Back Home to Beautiful Kerala - April 2011

As you all already know, Debbie was with my mom for the past week and half. So, last weekend we took a quick trip back to my home town to bring Debbie back. I would have loved to have spent longer in Kerala, but all we could squeeze in was the weekend. So, I just want to tell you all how it felt to go back home after more than a year...

If someone asks me where I'm from, I usually find it very hard to answer. My mom's and dad's forefathers are from various parts of Thirunelveli and Kanyakumari district. However, my dad was born in Chennai, and lived there all his life. My mom was born in Kerala  in the Idukki district, and called it home. I lived almost all of my life in Dubai, and that is the only place that finds a place in 90% of my childhood memories. So when I finally came to India and people would ask me where I'm from, I just couldn't answer. I couldn't very well say that my hometown is Dubai, because I am not a citizen, and I no longer live there. I also could not mention any of the four places I have already mentioned in this paragraph, because I was not really familiar with them.

It's only since graduating college have I started telling people that my hometown is Idukki district in Kerala, because I have family there that I love and my family home is situated there since it is where my father preferred to settle down. Also, now the place is even more special because that is where my father has been laid to rest.

So, after more than a year, I went back to this little town called Vandiperiyar in the Idukki district of Kerala. It is a beautiful, cool, green and breathtaking hill station on the Tamil Nadu-Kerala border. It takes us around 10 hours, traveling in a very badly furnished bus to get to this little paradise, but the sore back and the sleepless night in a bus is totally worth it. Allow me to show you why... (this is going to be a little long-winded so brace yourself...)

Traveling to Vandiperiyar

Taking a route through Theni, Rajapalayam, Kumbum, you reach the Kumily hills, which is a 15 minute slow and deliberate ride along a winding and precarious path that hugs the hill... On the way, you will see a deep forest with exotic trees, lots of monkeys, and beautiful streams and water falls that fill the air with the smell of a healthy and well-balanced environment. There is no place for pollution of any kind or buildings of any shape, save the two little temples at various points on the road - one for Hindus and another for Christians. 

What you see below is the rise of a grand mountain that abounds with greenery of all kinds. 

These are not the most professional shots, but then we had bright sunlight and a very shaky bus ride to deal with...

Dense forest with really old trees

Going uphill, you suddenly come across these huge pipes. At the very top is a water turbine in a power plant. Kumily houses the MullaiPeriyar dam, a great reservoir that is the primary source of most of the electricity generated in the plains below. Kumily also has the famous Thekady dam. I wish I could show you pictures, but we didn't get to go there this weekend. We will in the future, and when we do, I will show you pictures of the beautiful lake.

They don't look that large here, but they are really huge and imposing!

Along the way, you will see really old bamboo trees that stand in clusters. If you were to venture into this patch of bamboo I really doubt you would be able to get back out again without your limbs getting hopelessly tangled in this!

The road is narrow and winding, with many hairpin bends. When there is another vehicle coming in the opposite direction, usually one has to come to a complete standstill to let the other pass. Many times, large vehicles have to back up all the way to a wider part of the road to let the other vehicle pass. If you look down the side of the mountain, your head will spin from the sheer drop down!

This winding action is seen pretty much throughout the journey, all the way to my home, in fact!

Yes, we had to stop to let this bus go by...

Finally, after 15 minutes of something that resembles spinning around (a trip not for the light-headed, I must add!), we finally reach Kumily bus stand. This is the very border of Kerala and Tamil Nadu. The road we saw till now actually belongs to the Tamil Nadu jurisdiction, but the town on the hill belongs to Kerala. So, who has dibs on the mountain?! Heh! I have no idea! Anyway, Kumily bus stand is filled with the chatter of beautiful Malayalam (which I am no good at speaking, since my mother tongue is Tamil), and the whiff of banana chips fried in coconut oil, cardamom and black pepper... Kumily is a popular tourist spot and is most famous for the spices sold everywhere. You can buy the best quality of cardamom, cloves, and cinnamon. But the area is most famous for its top quality tea. I don't buy any brand of tea since I get mine from here all the time.

The bus stand bordered with shops and hotels for tourists

The KSRTC - primary transport of almost all Keralites in this part of the world!

Just look at the red blossoms on that tree!

Here, we've got to take another bus that takes us to Vandiperiyar, where we have to take another bus, and then walk up approximately 150 steps, or spare ourself the heart attack, and take an auto all the way home. On the way, all you see is large expanses of tea fields (the main source of income for most everyone here), and trees with pepper climbers entwined around them... Like this...

It was a misty morning, the day we went. It was around 8am and the sun was just beginning to rise over the horizon. The thick rolls of leave that you see on these trees are the pepper plant climbers. The trees are usually used for firewood (which obviously people need a lot of!)

Looking up into the mist, over a carpet of tea bushes

The road you see here (another winding one) will take me to a higher hill where my home is situated!

These are women on their way to work. If you stick around, you will see them donning plastic capes and carrying huge gunny sacks, trudging up tea plantation hills, to pluck tea leaves.

This is a tea bush up close, but much prettier in person, I assure you! :)

Finally, I reach this beautiful house that I call home...

Who is that little girl? I'll tell you soon...

I have a lump in my throat every time I look at my house. My dad had it built a couple of years ago, and he did it with extreme love and concern for my mother. He made sure that the house was not too high above the road, since my mother can't walk up too many steps or a very steep pathway. He made sure that clay tiles were used on the floor, because marble or ceramic tiles get cold and my mom could get achy knees from walking on them. He made sure that the master bedroom, the bathrooms and the kitchen were all constructed in the way that would be most convenient for my mom... Even though my dad planned to spend his retirement relaxing in this nice home, my mom was worried that he never put in anything that he would particularly like. Little did we know that my dad would, in fact, not get to spend his days here. 

Sorry guys, I know I am not supposed to be getting all weepy and maudlin here. But looking at my home always makes me miss my dad, and I was just sharing my feelings with you. Anyway, Vandiperiyar is a beautiful quaint town, and my home is comfy. You are all welcome to come visit our little corner of the earth when you have the time... Just let me know first ok? :D

Okay, I promise, I'll be more bearable in the next post... where I tell you about that little girl in the picture, and all the lovely precious people I spent my weekend with.

Of Homemade Music Videos and Home-cooked Food

It's vacation time right now, and where I usually would be sitting at my computer, trying to get a view of the monitor through my daughter's flailing arms, and trying to coax my thoughts to surface above the din of Debbie's voice and her noisy toys, I sit here right now in utter peace and quiet, with no one switching off the computer mid-post, no buzzing voice in my ears, and no baby fingers trying to get at the keyboard... Just me, my thoughts, and you readers.... and I HATE IT! No. Sorry. I didn't mean you, my readers! I love you guys! I meant sitting at home alone, without Debbie, just me and this empty house...sigh...

Debbie's gone to her grandma's (my mom) for a week...wait, actually it is now been more than a week. She is having the time of my life (I mean Debbie, not my mom! God only knows how my mom is handling it there, because along with Debbie are 6 other boisterous cousins filling the house, and toppling down God knows how many flower pots! Enjoy mommy...hhehe!). So anyway, Debbie gets to play with all those kids ranging between the age of 6 to 16. And they are not even her cousins...their mine!! That's what happens when your grandmother is  your grandfather's second wife, and is just around 6 years older than your mother...and she (your grandmother) had 8 kids! I think they took the whole "the more the merrier" thing too seriously! Whew!

Anywho, Debbie is playing with kids ranging from 6 to 16 years old, who are all her aunts and uncles!! And she has not missed me yet... :( That doesn't mean I can't miss her... I do, I do... I miss her sooo much...

I miss this little girl...

and her lovely smile...

and her crazy-awesome singing...

Boohooo! I want my babyyyy!

*sniff* *wiping eyes, blowing nose*...

And in a funny tangent way, I want my mommy.... and her food...
Actually I've been feeling that for quite a while, so I wrote something for her...

Mom, this is for you... (pssst, can you please consider this as your advanced birthday present? Kidding. Totally getting you a real present on your birthday... :D)

----------------------------
Street food...

"... Is unhygienic, uncovered, and unappetizing",
Said mother, piling a mountain of rice
Onto my plate already sagging
Under the weight of healthily boring home-cooked food.
Grumbling, sniffing, dipping fingers in gingerly
I question...
"Why can't I have a snack instead?"

Crisp samosas are the best.
Waiting near the familiar heat of food
Sizzling in hot oil,
Eying the one that you will choose
If you had a choice,
Peering into the cart
At sauces and spices,
I make a mental note -
'Remember to ask for
The sweet and sour sauce.'

Jaws clench at the tangy thought
Of salted gooseberries
That bring back memories of
Dead-broke college days,
When a rupee earned you a bag of those sour gems
That set the saliva flowing 10 years later!

Corn on the cob
Luscious, spicy and crunchy
Satisfy the sharp hunger that comes
From trudging up the lanes
Of little towns on hill stations
In search of the perfect bargain
On a thick woolen sweater.

Ice cream in a park -
Dripping water and icicles that take the place
Of real cream and flavor,
Cold chunks breaking off
Onto tongues,
Causing brain-freeze
And the rush of guilty pleasures
That mother would scorn at.

Vadais are good too.
Crisp exterior giving way
To warm dough and stray chilli bits,
The accompaniments as beckoning and cozy
As the kitchen at home...

The kitchen. Where mother
Would always have food on the table,
A soothing word
A listening ear
A tearing eye
A smiling face
For me, the wayward child,
Who ate too much street food...

I Want Your Face!

So yesterday, Debbie is sitting on my lap, and sucking her thumb, cuddling her favorite teddy bear, and watching cartoons (yeah, she's a multi-tasker, that one!). And please ignore the part where she sucks her thumb... She WILL grow out of it soon, when she is 5 or 10...or whenever, I promise...

Anyway, there she was, and at any given time of day, my daughter's hair is all wild curls and sticking straight up or to a side...usually, I'm like, "Baby girl, what is the deal with your hair?!?!?!"

Her hair is actually quite tame in this one picture above! When things get out of hand, we just plop on a hat!

So, I just curl my fingers around some locks of hair, look at them wonderingly, and ask her, "Debbie, how come you got so much hair, babyyyyy....wow! you have nice haaaaiiiiiiirrrrr, baby".

She looks at me with a very somber expression, and then says, "Amma, I want to have your face and your hair..." I said, "No Baby, you have nice hair..."

And she said, "Don't you like my face and hair??" And I was thinking, "OHMYGODOHMYGOD.....Whoever gave her that idea?!??! WHOWHOWHO...? Wait...did I do that?

And then, I went, "baby, you have the prettiest hair and the prettiest face in the whole world, and you are really pretty, and you are the prettiest little girl I have ever seen...." and gave her a big kiss on each cheek.

She thought for a while, and my heart was pounding.

After a moment a slow shy smile spread across her face, she looked at me, and said a very nonchalant, "Seri" (Tamil for "Okay") I love you, Amma!, and walked off to play with her toys...

All I could think was, "What was THAT all about?" So, turns out, she wants long hair and a pretty face (like a typical 3 yr old girl!)...!!! That was the best thing that happened to me....all week! And that's why I am so happy today...my little girl wants to be like me...she adores me!!!!

My sister summed it all up wonderfully when she said, "Give her time, when she's 15 and comes to you for fashion advice, I'll believe that story!!"

Can't blame her.... (wait, maybe she gets unruly hair from me!)

.....eeeeehhhhh...I've seen better!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you have something making your day today? A favorite moment, child (no, don't write on that!), food, favorite anything this Friday? Go on and join the Friday Favorite linky party over at The Other Mama. Have fun, and happy hair!

Happy Birthday, G.J. Hamilton

"The only way to keep or receive love it to give it unconditionally and selflessly". This is the quote for 12 March, on my quote holder on my desk.

I can't think of a quote that applies more for my wonderful husband than this. His patience stretches so long that I still haven't done something to snap it! Thank God for that...

Stuff he loves: music (some classical western music is always playing on a speaker somewhere if he is home!), aetheikka appam (plantain fritters) - he loves the stuff...his staple food if he is traveling!, spending time with Debbie (lot of wrestling...a grown man and a 2-year-old?... Go figure!...sigh..., singing at the top of their voices, watching YouTube videos of Mickey Mouse and Pingu, etc.), choral singing (my husband has one of the best tenor voices I have heard...I am being partial here, but I don't care :P), reading up on his latest interest (he will read up like crazy on whatever occupies his mind at the moment...everything from kidney stones, rheumatism (for me), train timings in Tamil Nadu, universities across the world, management skills, MBA courses, Dr.Chidambaram, heart surgery (for his Dad), things to consider while traveling abroad, how to use his camera, what do 2-year-olds eat?, everything, everything... Note: this is probably one of the reasons he has never really read this blog!... Anyway, Hamilton belongs to the clan of people who believe that information is power...so he reads... Don't be shocked if, soon, our family moves out, to make place for his books (*rolling eyes here*). He loves Sachin Tendulkar...a die-hard fan of the cricketer! Loves him so much, if he starts talking about the guy, it usually turns into an epic!

Hates: Nothing. That's it. Hate is a strong word that this man prefers not to use...What can I say?...Other than, "Why the heck is he with me?!?!!"

One unforgettable thing about him: How he cried along with me, when we heard my Dad passed away. The look of pain in his eyes, when he saw my pain... Well, he is one reason my family was able to stay strong through it...

What he has, I wish I had: His unwavering unshaken faith in God, and his spirituality. I wish I had that.

Happy Birthday Hamilton...You are Special!!

In Memorium

It has been a really long time since I posted here.  The past couple of weeks have been especially hard for me.  My dad (Mr. C. Mohandoss) passed away on 13th June, 2009.  He was 57 years old and died of a massive heart attack.  My family, especially my mother, is devastated.  Mom (Mrs. Vijaya Mohandoss) cannot imagine a life without my dad, but is forced to swallow her grief and get on with life for the sake of my little sister (Jone Dorothy, age 22) and my brother (Jacob Timothy, age 18).

We still can't believe that he is gone.  At the funeral, for the first time, I saw how so many people had been touched through my dad's life and testimony.  He was a man of God, and a wonderful human being.  I can only hope to be half as good as him.

I wish he were still here, because we feel we lost the corner stone that supported this family. But we owe it to his memory to be strong and to be the best at whatever we do, just like he was during his life on earth, and just like he wanted us to be.

My father, who taught me confidence, self-respect, enthusiasm and creativity; who inspired in me the love for writing, books, and music; my dad will be missed for as long as this family goes on.

Dad, we love you forever....

My Dad with Debbie